The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
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the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?