The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
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CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.