I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management