The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
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If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Check your privilege
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens