The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
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You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.