The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
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You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.