@KelgoreTrout: the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like "what should i call this thing that spatulas?"
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@iwearaonesie: wife on facebook: homework with 9, he's doing so well! wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
@daemonic3: Top causes of divorce: 1. Finances 2. Infidelity 3. Unmet expectations 4. Growing apart 5. Tandem bikes
@TheLOLYBible: "But Lot's wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like 'wtf' " Genesis 19:26
@mynameisntdave: MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles* ME: that supposed to intimidate me? *his fingers start to glow like glowsticks* ME: k I'm scared but thats rad