lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
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Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
they really do be looking like this
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.