@KelgoreTrout: the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like "what should i call this thing that spatulas?"
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@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I really like you ME: I like you too HER: So did you bring protection? ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
@spicy_peen: How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush
@JustDontBugMe: When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs I bought one And I have never seen him since.
@ShaneKnowsStuff: I don't know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.