Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.