The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
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“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”