The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
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HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
this has to be peak English
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.