The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.