The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
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I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.