The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Yup!
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
No way!
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…