The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
“i am a sweet baby”
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.