The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
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This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I’m tired tomorrow.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for