In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
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Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
“I wouldn’t.”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.