@Swishergirl24: The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
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@FredPirollo: "Sir can I ask you why you're smoking TWO huge cops?" Blunt, i'm *turns to camera* Doing this tweet wrong *Blunt just stares in confusion*
@mstluvstrinkets: People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.
@murrman5: "daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa" *checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son