The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
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I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
This meal prepping shit easy
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Beauty and the Beast
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.