The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
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*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
This did not end as expected.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.