If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
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Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Stop being racist to kettles.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway