The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
See..?
.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.