The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
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Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.