The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
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Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.