The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
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breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.