The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
What about a To-Don’t List?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.