I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
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Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I need to get some bricks…
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
You wish you had this many chins.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
me after eating Cheetos
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels