The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
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Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.