Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
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fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.