The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
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How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.