The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
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me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Raisins are grape jerky.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin