@iwearaonesie: the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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@Dawn_M_: Do you remember that creepy girl who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
@GrantTanaka: [dark alley] Dealer: so what you want Me: a gram [dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
@BradBroaddus: My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don't know why she got pissed when she found my "prospects" list.