@iwearaonesie: the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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@BucMarvin: It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I'm home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter. Let's pray for her.
@PhuckinCody: WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart? ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn't put him back
@moose_chocolate: This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I'm pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.
@myonlymizztake: Me: I'm ghosting him. Her: You stopped talking to him? Me: No, I'm showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.