the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
You Might Also Like
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video