The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
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*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes