The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
You Might Also Like
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Who says great literature is dead?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.