The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
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Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Me irl
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.