@TheWeirdWorld: The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
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@qqnqui: Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald's. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
@tuckerflodman: [halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
@huntigula: Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me? Piglet: for the last time, u don't get a literal "honey" moon Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
@trevso_electric: Trev's antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, "I'm sorry you feel threatened by my triceps."