The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
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My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
consequences, the bane of my existence
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything