The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
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She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
A friend helps you before you need it
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*