Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
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*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?