The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
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Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
channeling her this year
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
They say women only use 10% of their anger