The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
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Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Since we don鈥檛 get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I鈥檒l just get 5 large bags of candy.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um鈥k…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there鈥檚 a clown waiter. You get sick and there鈥檚 a clown surgeon.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Me, whispering to myself: When it鈥檚 time to party, we will always party hard.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
we鈥檙e insta mutuals now 馃槍馃槍馃槍
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Once again I鈥檝e been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I鈥檓 delighted.
Employee: please stop
Me: I鈥檓 just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I鈥檓 a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.