The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
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{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
i have one speed and it’s mosey