The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
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My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Best table by far
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.