me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
You Might Also Like
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.