I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
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He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Ugh
Not recommended for beginners.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
The dark side of Canada
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.