Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
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[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.