Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
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My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
*launders Kohls cash*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else