the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.