Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
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so this horse walks into a bar
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me: