@garrettbarry70: The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is "We're going for a break now, we'll be back later"
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@TheTumblrPosts: Me: I'm a confident driver Friend: You almost just ran someone over Me: Confidently tho
@JCWisdomNuggets: Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called "babysitting". You're wrong. It's called "parenting". Not the same.
@Phook75: I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house
@thepunningman: [doctors] "How long have I got?" "Not long. Two, three months" [casually places apple on desk] "Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!"