“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
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Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
new record!
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
The first one, obviously
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.