The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
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Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops