@KentWGraham: The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I'm not telling her.
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@Pork_Chop_Hair: *Band at a drive-thru, arguing about band name* Cashier: Here's your fries, and a nickel back Chad Kroeger, gasps: You guys I have an idea
@hell_homer: This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
@PJTLynch: Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency? Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so... CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
@PsychoCesc: The awkward moment when someone's zipper is down & you don't know whether to tell, because you can't explain why you were looking that low.