The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
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wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.